Training for the Real Battle of Life

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People have not realized that their thoughts control their life. If you don’t agree with this truth, carefully observe your thoughts daily, and you will realize that you are the major actor who has been acting out the scripts of your own thoughts. In fact, you are the executive director and also the major actor of the movie of your own life. The people in your world and in the whole world generally, only play the specific roles you give them. Sadly, most people have not still realized that just as they write the scripts for themselves with their own thoughts; they also assign those specific roles for other people to play in their life with their own thoughts.

Indeed, life is just a movie; a real movie. We are all directors and actors in the movie of life. The greatest directors and actors in this movie of life are those who have mastered the game of the mind. This game of the mind is not just a game of fun; it is a battle, a real battle. As a result of this battle, many have been wounded and are still bleeding profusely in this life. Many of the casualties of this battle are currently living miserable lives. Apparently, the only battle that every human is expected to fight from the very day of accountability until the very day of death is this secret battle. This secret battle is the battle of our thoughts. The victory in this battle depends on the thoughts that dominate our mind.

The greatest battle of life we encounter daily is the fight to maintain the right kind of thoughts. Most people have not still realized that this is the greatest battle in this life. Every other battle is just a continuation from this battle. If we can train ourselves to maintain the right kind of thoughts in our mind; then, life will surely reward us with the right things. On the other hand, if we do not train our minds to maintain the right kind of thoughts; then, we have unknowingly destroyed our own walls of protection and have made ourselves vulnerable to every form of negative experience in this life. Thus, we must constantly strive to maintain the right kind of thoughts in our mind every time.

Indeed, this is not an easy task. It requires dedication and will surely take some time. However, if we want to live in the reality of our dreams, we must give this task our very best and receive the very best from life. Remember, the more we do it, the better we become at it. Don’t join the bandwagon of those who start it and stop halfway. Clearly write down the things you wish to think on every day. Ensure that you keep your mind on those things irrespective of the challenges you may face. Whenever you stray away from those things that you have clearly written down, deliberately make your mind to return to them. Soon, you will master the art and enjoy the benefits. Remember, “for as a man thinks in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7).

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Circumstances Should Not Dictate How You Think About Yourself

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Many people make the mistake of allowing their situations to dictate how they think and feel about themselves. When they do not have money in their pockets or bank accounts, they erroneously think, feel and see themselves as being poor.

Don’t ever make the grave mistake of using money as the only yardstick of measuring your wealth or riches. If you do, you will always think you are very poor and this poverty-thought-pattern will continually keep you in poverty. If you think you are poor, your efforts will not pull you out of poverty: “for as he thinketh in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7).

Remember, you can never be bigger or greater than your own thoughts. Your thoughts can either make you soar high like the eagle, or keep you on the ground like a chicken. A poor thought pattern can only produce poverty for you. Thus, you must train your mind to see that you are the rich and the wealthy.

The easiest way you can achieve this, is by training your mind to appreciate all the different forms of wealth you are enjoying at the moment. This will make you look at yourself differently, with greater sense of dignity, wealth and affluence. Now, let us look at some of those other forms of wealth we usually despise when assessing ourselves.

Life is the greatest form of wealth we enjoy; without it, every other form of wealth will be needless. Remember, money cannot buy life. Apprehend this truth and learn to value the gift of life you are enjoying as a form of wealth.

Health is another form of wealth. If you have good health, do not take it for granted. Appreciate it. Be grateful for it. Remember, a sick man can spend all his financial wealth on his health and may still not get it back.

Another form of wealth is true love. If you are in a relationship and you are enjoying this form of wealth; value it more than any amount of money in the bank. If you ever long for true love, you will agree with this fact.

Peace of mind is another form of wealth we usually despise. Many people have not realized that some “rich and wealthy people” can give away everything just to have this form of wealth. Value the peace you enjoy.

Other forms of wealth we tend to neglect includes: knowledge, ideas, gifts and talents, values, beauty, reputation, family, friends and relationships. Learn to appreciate all these forms of wealth and you will realize how wealthy you are. Remember, the thought and feeling of being wealthy will produce the financial complement for you.

Open your eyes and see how rich and wealthy you are. Train your mind to see all the wealth around you. Train your mind to eliminate every thought of lack. Learn to think that whatever you need, desire or want has already been provided. This is the secret. This is the thought pattern you should imbibe and you will see it happen.

Finally, apart from training your mind to see and appreciate the wealth around you, you must never allow your present situation to dictate how you think and feel about yourself. Train your mind to think independently, without any influence from your current circumstances. This is the training that will make you a master over situations.

Note that “You must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be” (Marianne Williamson). Change your world by just changing your own thoughts. Change your thoughts and change your world. Start Now!

 

Identify the Quality of Your Thoughts

 

 

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Many people have not learnt how to find out the quality of their thoughts. The quality of your thoughts cannot be assessed when you are on guard or when things are going on smoothly as expected. If you have been using such times to assess the quality of your thoughts; then, you have not really identified the quality of your thoughts.

When the Holy Bible says, “for as he thinketh in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7), it was not just referring to thoughts you are still trying to imbibe. That verse of Scripture is directed at thoughts you have accepted and endorsed, which have formed your involuntary response, view, perception and mind-set about yourself, people, things and life, generally.

The best time to know the quality of your thoughts is when things are not working out as expected. Look out for those unguarded rough times when there is so much tension around you due to the crises you are facing. During such times of heat, identify your secret thoughts, and the words that come out of your mouth.

When you study the story of David and Goliath (1 Samuel 17) in the Holy Bible, you will discover that David’s boldness, fearlessness and courage was an involuntary view, perception and mind-set. David was not just trying to think and talk courageously at the time of the challenge. You can notice it in his words in all his dialogue and even his action in Verse 48, how David ran towards Goliath when the man moved towards him.

If you haven’t taken time to ponder on David’s action; then, you should do it now by answering the following question. Is it not suicidal for an inexperienced teenager, who has never fought any war, to run with a sling towards an experienced warlord like Goliath, who has fought several battles from his youth, and was coming with a sword and a spear against him (David)?

Challenges help to reveal the quality of thoughts you are made of. David revealed the quality of his thoughts in the time of challenges. Therefore, you can also identify the quality of your own thoughts when you have a challenge; then, you can consciously change them to the new personality you wish to become.

Remember, “for as he thinketh in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7). You can never be greater than your own thoughts. Your life will never be different from the kinds of thoughts you are keeping. Choose your thoughts wisely. You have the ability to do so. Change your world just by changing your own thoughts. Change your thoughts and change your world. The choice is yours. Start now!

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You can read our book, Changing Your Realities With Your Thoughts on Amazon Kindle for FREE.

Captain, Take Control of Your Ship

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The desire to take control of the happenings around his territory, has been a very old yearning in the heart of man. The simple reason is that man was created to dominate. According to the Holy Bible in Genesis 1:28, after God had created man, He (God) told him (man) to have dominion over the whole earth. Therefore, every deep and strong secret yearning to be in control has been a natural thing for every human being.

You might also be nursing that desire to dominate in one area or the other right now. You might even be feeling very helpless concerning one situation or circumstance and wants a quick solution to take control and be in dominion. Nevertheless, you must always learn to dig deep beyond what you can see physically. The big stem and the big branches of the great tree is just a replica of the great size of its roots.

Many people wish to take control of the circumstances of their lives but they don’t know how to do so. Many in their confusion as they struggle to take control of their circumstances, have resorted to fighting the wrong people. They exonerate themselves and blame others for all their predicaments. They see other human beings as their enemies. Thus, fighting other human beings becomes the only option for them.

It is absolutely imperative that we all understand this simple truth that a man’s problem is usually rooted in his own thoughts. A lot of people will not accept this truth because they have trained themselves to always blame other people for their own problems. Those who have developed such a faulty mind-set will permanently keep themselves as victims in this life. They will never tap from the strength that lies within if they don’t change.

If you want to take control of your world, you must wake up and take responsibility for the things that happen in your life. You are the Captain of the ship of your life: take control of your ship. As the Captain of the ship of your life, your ability to take control only depends on how much you can control your very own thoughts. If you cannot take control of your very own thoughts; then, you can never take control of the circumstances of your life.

The Holy Bible clearly says, “for as he thinketh in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7). Meaning, you are just a mere picture of your thoughts. Your whole life is just a true reflection of your very own thoughts. The happenings around you is a true reflection of the things you have been thinking about all these years. Now the big question is this: What kind of thoughts have you been keeping recently? Your future depends on those thoughts that you are not taking seriously.

Thoughts of failure will produce failure for you. Thoughts of fear will attract the things you are afraid of. The Holy Bible reveals something remarkable about the kind of thoughts that occupied the heart of Job. Job lamented, “For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me” (Job 3:25). Meaning, Job’s thoughts attracted all the calamities and the miseries of his life.

Your life will never be different from the kinds of thoughts you are keeping. Choose your thoughts wisely henceforth. You have the ability to do it. Choose thoughts of love, joy, happiness, forgiveness, faith, favour, humility, kindness, safety, strength, health, wealth, prosperity and abundance. Start now and take control of your thoughts. Change your world by just changing your own thoughts. Change your thoughts and change your world. The choice is yours.

The Holy Bible, which has been proved over the years by renowned Scholars of Faith, to have all the solution to all of man’s problems, expressly admonishes us on the kind of things we should think on. It clearly says, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things” (Philippians 4:8).

BUILDING BETTER RELATIONSHIPS: Reciprocate Compliments

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Many people play down on the importance of compliments in their relationship with their partners. They carry the erroneous mindset that the times for compliment ended with the period of courtship. Some seem to act as though they are the only ones that deserve compliments. So they just keep on receiving and receiving without developing any thought of giving back just as much as they have received. Some of them even that see the necessity only try to give back in a very miserly manner.

Nothing can easily capture the attention of people like the sweet words of compliment. It is normal for people to be attracted to those who shower compliments on them. It is natural for people to become defenseless before those who lavish compliments on them. People will continually be attracted to those who make them feel special. That is why you owe your partner the responsibility of making him or her feel special, cherished, treasured and appreciated from time to time. Don’t give responsibility to people outsiders and potential relationship breakers.

You must realize that when your partner feels he or she is special, treasured and appreciated, they feel safe and that feeling expels some of the thoughts of anxiety and worry that tries to invade their mind. If your partner does not hear those great words of compliment from you, the truth is that he or she will soon begin to wonder if you really appreciate, treasure or value him or her, especially when he or she continues to hear those beautiful compliments from people outside.

How can your partner tell you, ‘Honey, I love your physique. I love your eyes, nose and lips. I love your voice and the way you talk. I love the way you smile and laugh at me…I love the way you walk…I love your skin… I love your legs…You are so beautiful…I love you dearly with all my heart…’ and so on, but you couldn’t open your mouth to say anything nice about him or her?

How could you close your mouth at such that crucial moment when your partner is raining compliments on you?  How could your partner call you those beautiful names that intoxicates you like wine but you couldn’t find any nice name to call him or her right away? Do you think other people are also blind, and that they will not compliment your partner of those amazing things you have chosen to keep mute about? Why will you allow people outside to first take notice of those amazing things you ought to see and compliment? 

Little things really matters a lot. Don’t join the growing team of people who always withhold compliments. When you withhold compliments, you open the door for invaders. No wonder, when some partners run into people who generously compliment them continually, they are easily swept away and you wonder why? Some will start their blaming game, forgetting that they have actually contributed immensely to it. Don’t give any place to the enemy to attack your relationship by your negligence.

Consciously compliment your partner from time to time. You can also express it with gifts. Don’t be named among those who only compliment outsiders but when they are with their partners, they could hardly say anything good about them. Don’t only notice the wrong things about your partner. Don’t be quick to talk about the things you don’t like but when your partner does the things you like, you just keep mute about them. If you can boldly talk about the things you don’t like, you should be bold enough to praise them for the things you like and the things they do right.love-quote-for-wife-1

Develop the attitude of telling your partner the things you admire about him or her. Don’t give that special responsibility to outsiders. Don’t forgotten that it was the same little, simple and negligible acts of compliments you expressed in the past that made your partner to feel so special, cherished, treasured and appreciated, that he or she was attracted you. There is no relationship that has ever been built without the building blocks of compliments.

Many people don’t like to compliment their partners continually is as a result of the fear that they may suddenly change and exhibit some funny attitudes. It is true that some people hear those beautiful words of compliments and they suddenly change for the negative. Nevertheless, you can be different. Show your partner that you can be trusted with all the showers of compliments rained on you. Deliberately do more whenever you hear those beautiful words of compliment from your partner. If you want it, then you must encourage it with your attitude.

BUILDING BETTER RELATIONSHIPS: Avoid Frequent, Unnecessary and Endless Arguments.

 

 

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Arguments have their roots in conflicting opinions of the people involved. When two people have contrary views on a particular subject matter, issue, idea, etc.; when they discuss, argument will surely erupt. Something worth mentioning is that whenever an argument begins, those involved will lose their sense of reasoning. Their ears will be blocked. None of them will listen to the other. Everyone will just passionately defend his or her opinion; and most times, you cannot predict how far the other person will go to defend his or her view.

When a discussion is gradually turning into an argument between you and your partner, tactically withdraw by keeping silent.  There is no need pushing further. Sadly, most people don’t like to withdraw. They want to win in the argument. They want to show how schooled or learned they are. That is a very dangerous path. Pocket your ego and give peace a chance. You can never win your partner with an argument. You are not in the court. There is no judge presiding over you. Deliberate withdrawal is the best thing to do. If you can no longer endure it, tactically excuse the person and leave that environment for a while.

In the heat of an argument, those involved usually lose guard over their words. Arguments always pull out the wrong words from people. When that happens, it can leave a lasting feeling of hurt in the heart of your partners. It could also breed a lasting atmosphere of hostility between partners. Strong uncontrolled arguments can cause physical combats, and could even lead to separation of partners. Sadly, most arguments have not really solved or resolved the matters at hand. It only makes the atmosphere too tense and unfavourable for mutual understanding.

When the sparks of an argument has burst into flames, you cannot avoid making statements that will hurt the other person. When you have been possessed by the passion of defending your view, you may not care much about the words you utter. In such state of mind, you will only utters words that you will regret later. The truth is that you can never avoid careless occurrences whenever you go into heated arguments with your partner. Thus, the best thing to do is to avoid it by all means. If that relationship is important to you, why tear it apart before realizing the need to mend it?

According to statistics, 25% – 32% of marriages fail due to endless arguments. That figure may mean nothing to you until you become a victim, and join the bandwagon of those who destroyed their marriages because of frequent, unnecessary and endless arguments. Remember, the Bible also says that two people cannot walk together except they agree (Amos 3:3).

Again, according to statistics, 75% of failed marriages are due to lack of commitment. You may be wondering; what relationship does commitment has with arguments?

Well, the truth is that frequent, unnecessary and endless arguments can affect someone’s commitment to a relationship. Arguments can stir up hostility and resentment that can break the bond of love, peace and unity in the home. Hostility and resentment can affect the commitment of a partners to a relationship.

When you continually have a contrary opinion, the other person starts feeling uncomfortable with your ‘flawless and beautiful’ opinions. Soon, the person starts seeing you as someone who is not standing with him or her. Thus, they will feel insured. When they no longer feel secured, they will withdraw and coil into their shell. They will hardly speak out even when it is necessary, and that is very dangerous for your relationship.

When your partner can no longer say things due to the fear of argument, he or she may not speak out even when it is a very important matter. Some may look for another person outside to express their thoughts; because those thoughts will surely be expressed. The most dangerous stage is when partners can no longer talk freely about the things that bug them. Meaning, the communication between them has been destroyed.

When there is poor communication in a relationship, there will be misunderstandings, which will give birth to more heated endless arguments. If these things are not properly handled and managed, they can lead to serious issues that can destroy relationships and even marriages.

Anytime you notice that your discussion with your partner or spouse is heading towards an argument, ask yourself the following simple questions. Is this issue more important than my relationship? Does this matter affect my relationship at this moment? Will my partner accept my view or opinion at this moment? If your answer to those three questions is ‘No” then, strive hard and tactically avoid it. There is a wise saying that says, ‘Clever people solve problems, but wise people avoid problems.’

BUILDING BETTER RELATIONSHIPS: Don’t Focus on the Flaws and the Mistakes of Your Partner

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It is very easy to focus on other people’s mistakes and flaws instead of focusing on their good qualities and their good works. Most times, we allow our reasoning to be clouded by the things we want that our partners have not done. We forget the good things that they have done for us in the past at such desperate times. Consequently, we find ourselves over-reacting and magnifying their flaws and their mistakes. Sometimes, we even go to the extent of allowing their mistakes and their flaws destroy the beautiful relationship we have built for several years.

Before you continue reading, take a pause and look within and you will see several relationships that have been shattered by just one incident of unfaithfulness or weakness? Look around and you will see several bosom friends that have become enemies after just one quarrel? If you have ears, you might have heard about husbands and wives that have been separated because of one shortcoming or the other? It is not a breaking news that we all have broken up or given up on several relationships because our trust was crushed at one point or the other in those relationships. We allowed the flaws and the mistakes of our friends to determine the fate of those relationships.

We must make up our minds to look away from the flaws and the mistakes of our partners if we want to have successful relationships with them. Human beings can only strive to do better but the idea of attaining perfection in what they do will continuously remain as an illusion forever. There will always be something that should have been done better. And the truth is that mistakes are inevitable. There is no doubt that sometimes, you will also find yourself making some terrible mistakes just like the people you wanted to crucify in the past. Therefore, we must learn to remove our focus from the flaws and the mistakes of our partners.

This does not in any way mean that you should not expect your partner to measure up with the trust and the expectations placed on him or her. This does not also suggest that we should continue to give room to people who deliberately take advantage of us. The truth is that to whom much is given, much is also expected. Nevertheless, we must be on the guard not to allow our expectations to define the fate of our relationships with our partners. We must create space to accommodate the mistakes and the flaws or our partners, so that if our expectations are not met, we will not become disillusioned and dissatisfied with the relationship.

Many people make the mistake of losing sight of the beautiful qualities and the good works of their partners after spending several years with them. Instead of focusing and appreciating the beautiful qualities and the good works of their partners, they suddenly shift their focus on the flaws and the mistakes made by their partners. They find themselves complaining and magnifying the insignificant flaws and mistakes of their partners, which they have accepted and ignored years ago, and still accepts and ignores from other people.

Haven’t you seen someone who never saw anything wrong about the dressing pattern of his or her partner, suddenly becoming dissatisfied about it after several years, and then complaining about it as though it means everything to him or her? Haven’t you seen someone who never complained about the height or the weight of his or her partner suddenly seeing that as an important issue after spending several years together with the person? Haven’t you seen people who have been in a relationship for several years suddenly become critical about the same qualities and features that they have appreciated years ago?

Haven’t you seen a man who complained and quarreled with his wife for putting too much salt in his meal when she had not done that mistake for the past five years of their marriage? Haven’t you seen a woman who quarreled with her husband for returning home from work late, when such had not occurred for the past five years of their marriage? Haven’t you seen a man who beat up his wife for talking back at him when she had not done that for the past ten years of their marriage? Haven’t you seen a woman who abused her husband of being foolish because he lost at a time in the same business that he has been successful for more than twenty years?

You will be amazed when you find out what these flaws and mistakes could breed in a relationship. Years ago, they appreciated and valued the beautiful qualities and the good works of their partners. Years ago, the same beautiful qualities and the same good works were their major expectations and all that they ever desired. Years ago, they were satisfied with the same qualities and the same works of their partners. Nevertheless, as the years passed by, their list of expectation continue to grow secretly without their notice. Soon, that list of expectation has grown into such an unending one. But since they have been clouded by the veil of their holy perfection, these people have not realized that no one can fulfill their long list of expectation, including they themselves.

The easiest way to deal with your partner’s mistakes is to remind yourself of the good things that he or she has done in the past. If that does not deal with the matter at hand, remind yourself of all the beautiful qualities that your partner possesses. The best way to silent all the voices of criticisms brought against your partner by your thoughts is for you to remind yourself of your own flaws and mistakes. In addition, you need to remind yourself that no one is perfect, and that includes you and your partner.

If mere remembrance does not work, take a pen and a piece of paper. Use a ruler to divide the piece of paper into two equal halves. Write down all the beautiful qualities and the things you like about your partner on one side of the half. When you have written down everything you can remember, go ahead and also write down on the other half of the paper the things you don’t like about your partner that you consider as flaws. If you can do that, you will suddenly appreciate the amazing personality you have chosen as a partner.

There are several beautiful qualities in every human person that outweighs their flaws and weaknesses. Most people just have one major flaw or weakness that seems to scare people. Some may just have two major areas of weaknesses, visible to those that come around them. Nevertheless, in other areas of life, they might be so amazing. The truth is that you saw those amazing aspects of their life that was why you were attracted to them. Now that you have brought them into your life, you have to make up your mind to accommodate them.

Life may not give you everything. That is why in every relationship, you may find that one partner could be good at managing resources; the other could be good in business, providing money for the home. One could be good at fixing domestic chores, the other could be good in the kitchen, etc. These things don’t happen by chance. We were given such unique abilities for the good of the relationship. Thus, we should learn to use those abilities for the benefit of the relationship. Sitting on the chair of expectation all the time may only contribute to our disappointments and frustrations in our relationships.

Remember, every relationship has its own heavy burden of responsibility. They could be heavy but they are also bearable. They could be burdens but you could see them as nothing, because they cannot be compare to the benefits of having that person as your partner. Every human being will constantly remain more valuable than the burden they make us bear. Can you really compare the burden of having and raising children to the ease of not having one? If we can only look away from the mistakes, weaknesses and flaws of our partners, but focus on their beautiful qualities and their good works; we will find it much easier to forgive and tolerate them whenever they fall short from time to time.

BUILDING BETTER RELATIONSHIPS: Separate Disagreements from Your Relationship

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Most of us find it difficult to separate disagreements from our relationships. Whenever we have any disagreement with our partner, we allow it to affect, influence and define the fate of our relationship with the person. Some develop cold feelings about the person, while others could even stop talking to the person for a while. We must learn and strive to separate people from the disagreements we have with them.

Most of us disagree with our brothers and sisters, and even parents on several issues continually. Nevertheless, we accept them the way they are. We also disagree with our bosom friends on certain issues about life but they still remain our friends. We don’t allow those disagreements to affect the relationship we have built with our friends? We accept them the way they are on certain areas of life and live with them accordingly.

Every disagreement in a relationship is just a clash of opinions or views. Notice, every disagreement is just a clash of opinions or views. If your opinions and views about a particular subject of life want to clash, allow them to clash until they crash. However don’t allow your relationship to get involved in that clash that is destined to crash.

You may want to ask ‘How?’

If that is your question, then, answer the following questions. How did you handle debates when you were in school? Did you allow it to affect the relationship you have built with my classmates? Did you develop grudges against your friends in school when they win your team during debates? Did you ever break up with a friend who won your team in a debate? How did you treat those students who won your team in a school debate?

We must learn to view every disagreement with the viewpoint of two friends that have been made to oppose and propose a motion in a school debate. The two friends are ‘forced’ to defend their stand passionately against each other during the debate. However, when the debate is over, everything ends. The two friends live their lives normally as though nothing happened. The truth is that nothing happened. It was just a clash of opinions or views.

The teacher of the two friends might have ‘forced’ the debate on the two friends when they went to school. In your own case, Life, who is the great teacher, might have forced it on both of you, by stirring up those different views, opinions and perceptions about that subject of discussion, so deal with it as you have always done when you were in school.

Remember, Life is a school. So enjoy the ‘debate’ just like you did when you were in school! You can defend your opinions passionately, if you want, but when the drama is over, endeavour to put it behind and live your lives normally as though nothing happened. Don’t attach so much importance to those disagreements or ‘debates’ to the point of giving it the privilege of influencing your relationship.

The mistake most people do is that they don’t know how to stop, and when to stop. They just keep pushing. Even when the ‘debate’ is turning into something else, they will not give up. They will not withdraw. They want to win. They are so desperate to win in the ‘debate’. They prefer to win the ‘debate’ and destroy the relationship they have built for years. The other person must take their opinion. Thus, they just keep on pushing until that simple matters turns into a different thing.

Most people don’t know that in this unique ‘debate’ life offers, you don’t push too hard to win always because nobody will give you any trophy for winning all the time. Nobody will commend you for winning just like they did when you were in school. There is no winner in this ‘debate’ because it is not about winning, rather it is just a simple test that will reveal your ability to accommodate each other. In this ‘debate’ there is no absolutely right or correct person because being right or correct is just a personal viewpoint or perception. Both of you are correct and right, because you are looking at the issue from two different points of view.

When two people, who are in a relationship, have a disagreement, it is aimed at developing their ability to understand each other and accommodate each other. The disagreement is just about making the other person see things the way you see them. Therefore, your focus should be on making the other person understand your views about the subject matter. So air your views! When you have communicated your views, allow the other person to make the choice of shifting.

Sometimes, the person might not shift at the moment. In such a case, both of you have to be matured enough to respect each other’s opinion or viewpoint, and be willing to adjust to live with each other irrespective of the contrary views you may have. Do not make the mistake of always expecting the other person to shift totally to your side. Develop an attitude of accepting and accommodating the person with his or her views on that matter. If you can be patient with each other, time will sort out your differences.

Remember that Life will always stir up this unique ‘debate’ between you and your partner. It is a test of your maturity in accommodating each other and other people. Nevertheless, Life has a way of making people adapt to the things they have never accepted in the past. Sometimes, the only thing that is required for us to accept those things is knowledge. If those clashing views will not breed crime against humanity, just be patient. If both of you can be patient with each other, those disagreeing issues will disappear with time.

BUILDING BETTER RELATIONSHIPS: Don’t Listen to React; Listen patiently to Understand

 

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Most of us are good at talking but we are not good at listening. Some of us are good at listening, but we listen to give personal interpretation of what we hear. Not everyone is good at listening patiently to understand the message passed before responding. Some are good at understanding but they are not good at responding wisely. This is just a simple picture of the different flaws and weaknesses of human beings and the problems they encounter in the art of communication.

We are not perfect, and will never be perfect. This is the reason we have to strive and improve on areas we are lagging behind. We can always develop and do better in the areas we seem to be quite deficient. Thus, when your weaknesses are being noticed and brought to your attention, you must be humble to accept it and strive to do better. You don’t have to feel bad about it. There is no doubt that God has given us several unique abilities. Nevertheless, these unique abilities may just be in certain areas of life, and we have the responsibility to develop and measure up in other areas.

Listening patiently to your partner to understand his or her point of view about a particular matter being discussed is very important for the success of every relationship. When someone is deficient in this area, it will give birth to several misunderstandings in the home. You will agree that misunderstandings are not healthy for any relationship. They can stir up so much strife and conflict that could even lead to separation if not properly handled and managed.

A good listener gives his whole attention to the person that is talking to him or her. He or she listens with a fixed gazed on the person taking to him or her. The facial expression of the person is important to a good listener. The gesticulation of the person is also important. The tone of the speaker is also very important to a good listener. A good listener gives all his or her attention to all these minor details, and these details help him or her to understand the speaker much better.

Most people have developed the habit of talking when the person talking to them is still talking. Some have the attitude of picking ambiguous expressions to criticize or counter when the person is still talking to them. Some are in the habit of just picking wrongly used words or expressions to paint a different conflicting idea from what the speaker was actually trying to say.

A good listener is not antagonistic when listening. A good listener is not critical when listening. A good listener does not look out for the pitfalls of the speaker in order to use them against him or her. A good listener always makes sure that he completely understands the speaker (sometimes, deliberately ignoring the pitfalls and wrong expressions of the speaker) before responding or reacting to what has been said.

If you do not listen to your partner patiently to understand him or her completely, then, you are inviting trouble. You are like the doctor who prescribes medications to his patient without listening to all the complaints. Any prescription given in such situations will only do more damage and harm than good. The same thing happens in relationships. You must understand what your partner is saying first. That should be your number one focus when you are listening to your partner.

You must deliberately make up your mind to listen to your partner carefully and attentively. When you are listening to him or her, listen like a child. Do not make assumptions. Do not give your own personal interpretation of what he or she is trying to say. Do not use past discussions to analyze and interpret the current discussion. Understand what he or she is saying at that moment. Do not rush him or her. Give him or her enough time to express himself or herself.

If you must ask questions when the person is still talking, only ask questions that will enhance your understanding of the thing being said. Any question that does not encourage him or her to express what he or she wants to say will only end up cutting off the free flow of the things he or she wants to say. Ask questions that will encourage a free flow of what the person wants to say. Do not ask questions to cut off the flow.

If you can make it a conscious habit of listening to understand, sometimes, you may not even need to react or respond. It can also eliminate unnecessary arguments and tensed atmosphere between you and your partner. Relax yourself and enjoy the gist. Sometimes, it could be boring, but you must discipline yourself to remain attentive as you enjoy (or even endure) the gist. Take pleasure in it and soon, talking to her or him will become fun.

Remember, the major reason for most failed relationships is poor communication. The poor communication here is basically caused by someone who was not listening attentively and patiently. Poor communication then gives birth to misunderstandings. The misunderstandings we see in most relationships are simple caused by someone who was not listening attentively and patiently.

Discipline yourself to listen. Don’t only listen; listen attentively to understand. If you can really understand what your partner is saying, then, there will be no misunderstanding. If there is no misunderstanding, then, there will be no quarrel or conflict. If there is no quarrel or conflict, then, you relationship with your partner will turn out to become your greatest and happiest experience in life. It will be heaven on earth, or else, you will continue to experience the heat of hell here on earth.

BUILDING BETTER RELATIONSHIPS: Don’t Expect to Be Treated the Same Way You Treat Your Partner

relationship

One of the reasons why we have problems in our relationship with our partner is because we expect them to treat us the way we treat them. As our expectation continues to grow, we become very demanding, possessive, selfish, over protective, critical, and full of complains. These attitudes eventually become very unhealthy for the relationship.

Human beings love freedom. Giving your partner freedom is something you must do as one of the expressions of your love towards him or her. If you take away that freedom, they will eventually become very uncomfortable. They may bear it at first, but they cannot bear it for too long. If you continue, they will resist and break free from your hands.

You must remember that your spouse is not you and he or she can never become you in thoughts and actions. You are two different personalities with different background, education, understanding, knowledge, exposure, temperament, etc. Thus, all the efforts made to make him or her do things exactly the way you do things or want things done will surely end in a catastrophic failure.

There is no doubt that it could be very frustrating when we give our loved ones so much care and attention and receive less from them. It could be very painful when we make great sacrifices for them and they do nothing when the same is expected or required from them. It could be so hurting when we do our best to put smiles on their faces and they take our efforts for granted and do nothing when we expect the same from them. Nevertheless, we must make up our minds to give them the privilege of expressing their love in their own way.

If the situation becomes too unbearable, the best way to confront such a challenge is to talk over the issue with them. Do not make it as a demand. Wisely talk to them when they are in their best moods and make them understand that those little things mean a lot to you. If you can tactically convince them, and remind them continually, they will change.

Some may not change immediately. You have to be patient with such people and keep reminding them until it becomes a part of them. Do not expect an immediate complete change. Be patient and keep reminding him or her. When the seeds you have planted grow up and bear the desired good fruits, then you can smile, relax and reap the harvest happily.

However, some may not change at all. If you fall into this category, please, do not allow yourself to get so worked up that you become unhappy in your relationship. Remember, there are other things your spouse is very good at doing. There are areas of life they do far better than you do. Fix your eyes on those areas and be grateful and appreciative.

Some of you may fall into the category of those who are willing to change. Kudos! However, you must still put at the back of your mind that your spouse may not do it as good as you do those things. If they are not very good at it, recognize their efforts and commend them. As you appreciate them, they will put more efforts to improve. Some of them may even get better at it and do better than you do. If that becomes your experience, you are lucky.

The relationship you have with your partner is made complete by your differences. Both of you should look at those differences and harness them for your good. It is a teamwork. It is not a competitive one. Offer your part generously to your spouse and allow him or her to enjoy it to the full, without expecting the same in return. Remember, as you keep doing your part, your partner may reciprocate someday. Even if he or she does not reciprocate in the same area you are expecting, he or she may reciprocate in other areas of life that they are very good at.

If this blesses you, feel free to share it.